The Narrow Way

I’m considering expanding my blog to my own website and making this cancer journey a subtopic on a much grander scale. God’s really been speaking to me loudly over the last year and it’s all along the lines of suffering and what God teaches you in the journey.

Through this entire cancer journey I’ve rubbed shoulders with so many people in the deepest depths of suffering and have been able to share experiences and life stories with them over this journey. Some of them embraced their suffering and allowed God to teach them while others allowed their pain to eat at them as they become hardened and bitter. This has sparked so many questions in my own life.

With many of my writings, I really like to use imagery to get my point across. It just works for me. One image that keeps coming to my mind is – the narrow path or the narrow way based on Matthew 7:14 – “But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” A different translation says, “Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.”

Many have heard this scripture and think that the broad way is the way of the godless or those that choose to not live for Christ, and narrow is the way that Christians take. But the word strait actually means difficult. Jesus told us three things about the “strait” gate. 1. It’s the gate that leads to heaven. 2. It’s difficult to enter. and 3. There will not be many people who go in the strait gate.

I think of this narrow way as the road of suffering. It never became as clear to me until I walked it. The thing with suffering is, while you are in the middle of it, you encounter other people in the middle of suffering. I’ve journeyed with those whose loved ones have recently committed suicide, those whose spouses are suffering with addiction, those whose spouses have been unfaithful to them, the sudden death of a loved one, those stricken with cancer and have not survived – tragedies, suffering, pain.

To be able to take something so painful and to walk this path and seek out God while you are in the middle of it….that’s walking the strait, narrow way. It’s hard. It’s difficult. We don’t want to do it.

Do I think that suffering is God’s plan? No. Do I think that it’s ever His plan to bring tragedy, sickness, and pain to His children? No. But His word tells us there will be pain in this life. And He promises to walk with us through it and can use our pain and suffering as He writes our story.

I heard someone call suffering a gift. I’m not so sure at points along my own journey I could say that. But I think that God can gift us IN our suffering and through the process He can change us. He can bring other people alongside us to walk with us.

I used to become obsessed with discovering God’s plan for my life. I used to pray all the time that He would reveal what it is that I am to do and always thought that one day I would arrive at my destination of discovery and it just would all make sense. I am learning, that is not how God works. The plan is now, it’s in the every day opportunities and choices that I make – even the small ones.

One thing I learned in the middle of my pain and suffering is trying to stay in the moment – staying just in today because it was all I could handle. Sometimes it was just staying in the hour I was in. I learned something through that. So I pray a new prayer when I start my day – “God, what would you have me do today?” Just that prayer of surrender has made me a changed person.

So as I transition to this new blog here shortly, I want to expand on this thought of the narrow way and begin to include stories of others who are walking this narrow path of suffering. We may walk a difficult path, but we don’t have to walk it alone.

It’s All About Perspective

A common theme that has been reoccurring for me over the last few weeks is about perspective.

It all started when I was doing some freelance transcription work on a course about 1-, 2-, and 3-point perspective in photography and art. I was amazed at the differences between the three and after some googling really began thinking about how I see things.

I recently came across a post online of a photographer taking a photo of the same image from two separate perspectives and it really drove home this thought I was having. Take a second to look at these before you read on:

http://themetapicture.com/famous-photos-from-a-different-angle/

I just had a conversation with a friend recently about perspective in life. They were saying that they were having a hard time with a certain individual and how all they could see was the negative in their life. No matter what it was, this particular individual could only see the absolute worst in their circumstance and situation, even if the issue wasn’t really all that bad. A quick examination of this person’s life showed that they were pretty isolated, didn’t have many friends, and had no relationship and interaction. It’s no wonder! They were living in a 1-dimensional view of life – their own. They had no other perspectives to draw a view from, and could not see the forest for the trees in their life.

Oh so many times we can all be in that place too. We are such busy people that our lives are consumed with our own schedules, demands, pressures, and the things we are lacking (time, money, and more). Every now and then, usually by happenstance or force, we will see a different world view than our own and think oh wow, I really don’t have it that bad I guess. It’s called perspective.

Remember the images in the link above? What had to happen in most of the photographs to get that second perspective? Some distance had to be created in order to see how small the first image really was. Oh if we could only learn to take a few steps back from our own insurmountable problems in our lives. I think we would be surprised what we could find just waiting in the shadows.

Cancer is Not a Spectator Sport

Hello—my name is Crystal Renaud. I consider myself Jenny’s best friend or should I say, Jenny is my best friend. Either way, we’re besties. At the beginning of this cancer journey, Jenny handed me the keys to her blog and today I want to share the things that she would never share for herself.

Not the safe-for-Facebook side, but the ugly, terrible, awful side of cancer. 

We all know that chemo causes your hair to fall out and that is the picture of cancer most of us see. As her best friend, I am privy to text messages that contain a different kind of picture. Images of her broken and beaten chest after double mastectomy or images showing how her new “breasts” have opened and become infected.

You see, it’s not just hair that Jenny has lost. 

Imagine your life for a moment. 

In one afternoon, an entire year of your life has become marred by the unimaginable & shocking diagnosis. You thought you were going into the doctor for an infected milk duct. But instead, you hear the words, “You. Have. Cancer.”

You can’t imagine it because it’s an unreal reality to most people. 

Then, imagine you’re spun into a whirlwind of 18 weeks of poison, multiple surgeries, 6 weeks of radiation, piling medical bills and a doctor’s appointment nearly everyday—all the while trying to be a wife, raise 3 kids, volunteer at church, be a friend to others and work full-time.

You can’t imagine it because it’s an unreal reality to most people. 

Imagine what it is like as a woman to lose your real breasts—the ones you fed your babies with—and have them replaced by a silicone shell with a metal port for filling. Also, known as tissue expanders. Your skin is stretching and stretching to allow room for an elusive implant one day.

You can’t imagine it because it’s an unreal reality to most people. 

Then, imagine your incision breaks open and becomes infected. It takes you a week for your surgeon’s office to get back with you. You are told you need to have another surgery to repair the first… only for it to open again and be told that once again… you have to get it repaired. And this is all before real reconstructive surgery begins. All this just to get to the point where you might feel like a woman again.

You can’t imagine it because it’s an unreal reality to most people. 

Cancer is not just chemo, radiation and surgery. Cancer comes with daily reminders that you’re not the person you were before you were diagnosed. Unless you’ve walked the cancer road personally or have seen with your own eyes what it is like (for me, Jenny is #4 of my friends to battle cancer—and I have lost 2 out of 4 of them), then you just don’t know. Cancer takes a toll on everyone around you. Not just the one with the diagnosis.

When the chemo ends and the hair starts to grow back and our friend begins to look like our old friend again, a lot of people begin to think the worst is over. And we carry on with our regular lives like nothing much has happened.

Our friend has made it through. 

And with that…
The cards stop coming in the mail.
The meals stop being dropped off.
The offers to babysit dwindle.
Friends stop coming by—and some never did. 

But for someone like Jenny, the worst has just begun. Liken it to fighting in a war. When you’re in the war, you’re not able to process the causalities around you. It’s when you get home that the toll of what you have just experienced begins to add up. You battle your broken body. You battle depression. You battle God.

The worst wounds are not the ones you can see in a text message. They are the ones that you can’t see. It’s the wounds that you carry close to your heart because finding words to explain them is too difficult. And you stop asking for help because you feel guilty that you’ve asked too much of others already.

That is where our Jenny is. That is where her family is. 

But cancer is not a spectator sport. 

It’s an all hands-on-deck, everybody suits up, nobody is benched kind of sport. Please don’t retire your jersey just yet. Our friend is still in the game of her life and she needs her teammates around her. Please take a moment to pray with me for Jenny and read Psalm 91 (the verse God brought to her at the beginning of her diagnosis):

Psalm 91 MSG

1-13 You who sit down in the High God’s presence,
  spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow,
Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
    I trust in you and I’m safe!”
That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
    shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
    under them you’re perfectly safe;
    his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
    not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
    not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
    drop like flies right and left,
    no harm will even graze you.
You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
    watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God’s your refuge,
    the High God your very own home,
Evil can’t get close to you,
    harm can’t get through the door.
He ordered his angels
    to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they’ll catch you;
    their job is to keep you from falling.
You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
    and kick young lions and serpents from the path.
14-16 “If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
    “I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
    if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
    I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life,
    give you a long drink of salvation!”

God has been so faithful. Our Jenny is still with us. But we are her community. We are like God with skin on. She needs us. Keep supporting. Keep  loving. Keep praying.

And thank you for taking the time to read this.

With love & gratitude,
Crystal Renaud

The Depth of Suffering

If you have ever experienced the bottomless pit feeling of suffering, with this post you will probably be able to relate.

We have all experienced suffering in our lives, in one form or another. Some of it has been short-lived, some have experienced windows of suffering spotted throughout their lives, and some have experienced deep suffering that they daily have to endure. Suffering can take all forms – physical pain, emotional pain, or mental pain/anguish. Some of you have experienced all three.

I think sometimes when we are in the midst of deep suffering, our first reaction is to compare it to someone else’s, or maybe think that your particular version of suffering is the worst there is because you just simply cannot bear it.

As I sit here typing this, I can honestly say I am in a trifecta of suffering – physical, emotional, and mental. My body hurts, I have a surgical incision that is not healing and is actually bleeding after 8 weeks post-op, my emotions are raw and ragged, and I am suffering the mental effects of trauma over the last year. I am truly at MY LIMITS. I still will not say I am an expert in the subject, I can only speak from my point of reference.

With that said, let me say that I really hate the saying “God will not give you more than what you can bear.” I do not believe that. For a second. Anyone suffering really doesn’t want to hear it either. If you’d said that to me, don’t worry – I still love you dearly, but let me explain.

I can’t bear this. I think that’s the point. I cannot in my own control, will, emotional, and mental capacity process this ordeal and make sense of it or fix it. I cannot compartmentalize it and store it away. I cannot let it go on angel’s wings and let it float to heaven and say “Oh, it’s all gone! I’m free and happy!” and skip away along my merry way. I’m living this every single day. I wake up in the morning and it stares me in the face. It reminds me when I go to do something physically and my body limits me. It reminds me when my children are weeping because they don’t know how to process all this and I don’t even have the mental capacity to tend to my own feelings about the matter, let alone theirs. It reminds me when I see my husband’s shoulders drooping because he’s carrying the financial load, emotional load, and whatever else he’s trying to carry on his shoulders because he’s a man and men are supposed to ‘fix things.’ He has to be strong for his family.

This is hard. Hard isn’t even the word. This is MORE than I can bear. It’s beyond me.

Suffering isn’t something that can be measured. It’s not a wound that has the right sized bandaid that can cover over it. It’s not something that a self-help book, a devotional, a meal, or a hug can fix. Suffering does not exist in a dimension that we can measure. Suffering is something that you live THROUGH. The only thing that can cover the expanse of suffering is God Himself. Because God does not exist inside the finiteness of our minds. Suffering is something we cannot measure no matter how much we try, that is why only God can truly help with our suffering.

I have found that suffering is never eased into. You’re usually thrust into it much like being dropped into the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. You are not wearing anything to help you float and you’re already exhausted before you are dropped there. Suffering teaches us there is nothing we can do to stop it, fix it, or control it. The only answer for suffering is surrender.

Surrender takes trust, but not just verbal trust, not just a decision that we can mark off our checklist of ‘right things to do.’ Surrender takes us letting go, and even possibly the feeling of beginning to sink. It’s a letting go of our right to survive so to speak. We must depend on something else greater than ourselves to bring us through it – and even to LIVE through it (emotionally, mentally, AND physically).

When we’re first dropped into suffering, we thrash around and kick and scream. We try to muster up the fight to barrel our way through it, but we find that before long we run out of steam. There’s no more strength or wit or intelligence to help us. It’s then that I believe God waits. Just below the surface. Our face goes under the water and we think it’s the end, but God pushes our face up out of the waves and we can catch a breath. Then we float for a bit, we might go under a little bit again but before we expire for lack of oxygen, God lifts us up and we breathe again. And so is this ebb and flow of suffering much like an ocean. In fact, the song Oceans speaks so loud to me during this time because it reminds me to not focus on the waves and water (my circumstance). In fact, the words of the song says “your grace abounds in deepest waters.” DEEPEST. When you can’t see the bottom and you indeed would sink.

The other day I was driving in the car on my way to radiation and I thought about the concept of breathing. If I began to let my mind turn about the very thought of oxygen and that if oxygen were suddenly to disappear, I couldn’t survive but mere minutes without it. Yet I don’t fret about it. I don’t worry that I will not be able to have oxygen when I need it. I can’t even prove with my own two hands that there will be oxygen there when I need it, I totally have to depend on the fact that it will be there. In fact, I don’t even think about breathing. Ever. It just happens…the oxygen is there. In my mind, I believe it to be a constant sure thing that will never let me down. I can’t see it, I can’t feel it. But it’s there for me every time I need it. I can’t take any  more oxygen into my lungs than what I need for this breath I’m on. I have to rely that when I’m finished this breath, there will be more ready for me.

And so I MUST live this way in all things. I only have enough for this very moment. I can’t fret and worry about the next moment. I can’t grab and shove some more of what I need in a box and hope I can have it “just in case” I am let down. I have to believe and have faith that what I need will be there when I need it. Surrender.

I hope this speaks to you. Whatever you’re going through. Maybe you are having a rough spot in your life. Maybe you just learned of the greatest tragedy you will ever face in your life and you aren’t sure how you’re going to make it through the day. But know this, the next breath is there for you. And so is God. Just take the next breath, step, hour, day that is in front of you. Let His light shine on the next step. It may be all that is illuminated in your life right now, but that is all that we’re promised and all that’s required of you.

What doesn’t kill you…..

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Mostly because I haven’t had a lot of inspirational positive posts in me. You know the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say….” Well I haven’t. So I’m giving it to you straight…sticking true to the title of this blog, and just be honest. I’m tired.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right? Well this must be true even though I don’t want to admit it. The cutsie song and bouncing up and down with a shoulder shrug saying “oh what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?” (insert giggle or laugh). No. The very thing that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger because it’s not killing you. If it was, you’d be headed an opposite direction. What doesn’t kill you makes you fight. What doesn’t kill you makes you push. What doesn’t kill you makes you grit your teeth together and shove against the very thing that wants to throw you down and scream as you struggle to be a stronger force than it.

As I type this, all my fingers have practically split open. It’s hard to wash dishes, it’s hard to type, it’s hard to open things….just yet another affliction I have to deal with. It’s not anything to post about on Facebook or complain to anyone about, but yet ANOTHER thing that just is a thorn in my side holding me back from doing ordinary household tasks. Bending over to mop the floor becoming excruciating because the tissue expanders inside your chest wall are so full of saline that they cramp your muscles into tight charlie horses and cause your back to cramp as well. Sleeping is nearly impossible because once you get into a position that you can actually fall asleep (usually with the help of a sleep aid or narcotic), you freeze in that position and in the middle of the night you go to just move and all your muscles tighten up like cement and you’re literally paralyzed in the bed. Getting up takes about 10 min. Moving around and getting loosened up takes at least 30. Then there’s lunches to pack and backpacks to get ready and children to wake up and clothes to iron. There’s 3-4 doctor appointments to get to, there’s snow holding you back, school cancellations, shuffling kids from one house to the next.

Sometimes you reach the brink. You say I can’t do it anymore. You literally are DONE. It’s past the point of crying, it’s past the point of complaining. Those things don’t get you anywhere.

You push. Push. push.push. Sometimes you actually sit down and cry, get it out, then get up and push some more. What doesn’t kill you….has to make you stronger. Sometimes being strong is the only choice you have.

I find myself having to surrender daily to God. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes I have to sit and say, “God, I literally cannot do it any more. I can’t do one more thing.” Then I feel this push and I get up and keep going. Push through the pain, push through the physical limitations, push through the fear, push through that feeling like you’re going to snap, push to keep things normal.

Put. one. foot. in. front. of. the. other.

Smile and pray for grace when someone looks at you and compares your situation to something that happened to them that pales in comparison. Pray for grace when people say things that are so rude to you about your condition because they don’t have an ounce of common sense. Pray for grace when people stare at you and you’re tired of feeling like a total odd ball in public. Breathe in and out and ask God to please help you not compare your situation to others who seem to have had it easier when it comes to their diagnosis. Pray for forgiveness when a friend tells you about her new hairstyle and you are insanely jealous because you miss your hair so bad you can’t even put it into words. Grace when well-meaning people say you’re almost done….and you know that this will never be done as cancer has re-defined your life and who you are as a person. Pray for God to help you with the hurt and frustration when your relationships change and people you thought were really close friends and family haven’t even reached out to you at all and have remained distant.

Realize that God is okay with you throwing yourself on the stairs when no one else is home and screaming out the words “WHY?!!!” over and over as you pound the steps with your fists and lay there totally empty and spent.

There is a private battle that no one sees, there are tears no one sees, there are doubts, fears, insecurities, and questions that no one hears about. And then the question of what your life will look like after this. What will normal be?

Sometimes I don’t get it right. Sometimes I get angry and I yell. Sometimes I pout. Sometimes I pretend that I can do everything just like normal. Sometimes I take it out on my poor husband.

This is the ugly side of cancer. The part that no book or doctor really prepares you for.

What doesn’t kill you…..it’s not going to kill me. I’m not talking about my physical body. This isn’t going to kill my spirit. This isn’t just like running a difficult marathon, this is rock climbing…the highest mountain on earth with the most tricky climb possible. One where you don’t know where you’re going to put your foot next. In fact, the next foothold isn’t even in sight, you have to trust God to provide it. Sometimes you just hang there and rest. Sometimes the rain pelts you in the face. Sometimes it’s cold. Lonely. You’re hanging out there all by yourself.

With everything in my life I always ask God the question, what are you showing me? About myself? I’m still learning. He’s showing me I have a terrific amount of fight in me…and I must have a lot of hope too. Because I haven’t given up. I haven’t thrown in the towel. I type with bloodied fingers (literally right now), and I will mop and get my floor clean! I will love on my kids even when I just want to go to bed and let them be by themselves. I will go to church and worship my God who gives and takes away. I will be okay with not having any answers, I will be okay with the process. I will live inside today only. I cannot control my world. I cannot control my health. I surrender.

What doesn’t kill you….makes you stronger. Philippians 4:13 – I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me.

My Christmas Wish (is for you)

I discovered something early on in this cancer journey, the power of giving. I’ve always known the power of giving to others. I’ve always loved it. There is NOTHING better than to give to someone else and to see the effects of how that gift (in any form – monetary, something tangible, or the gift of love or time) touches a person – it’s so rewarding! But there’s so many different types of giving.

I have given to others when I’ve had plenty. It’s the easiest type of giving – you have and you just share. You start from a place of joy, and end with joy – a full circle.

Then there’s the type of giving when you have nothing – the kind where it’s a sacrifice and it hurts to give or takes a risk of faith to give. You start from a place of nothing or sometimes personal pain but what you end with isn’t a full circle – it’s a ripple effect that spreads out further than you can imagine.

Let me get a little more personal…..

I’ve always had a tough time receiving things from other people. Maybe it’s feeling like I don’t deserve it, or there’s someone else who could use it a whole lot more than I….maybe it’s a little bit of pride and a dash of humility that’s needed….but no matter the reason – it’s hard for me to receive gifts. I am learning in that area.

This past year, I cannot even begin to list the ways people have given to me. Their time, love, support, money, gifts, cards, encouragement, prayers, food. It’s been overwhelming. It’s what’s gotten me through the biggest trial of my life. I couldn’t have done it without all these things. I am so appreciative.

But after all of that, I longed to give back. I was frustrated I was not in a place where I could give (the first type I mentioned where you start with a lot and just pass it along). I had nothing to give (or so I thought). Because God wired me with compassion for others (sometimes so much it literally hurts), I prayed daily for opportunities to give. Something that God showed me was that the biggest reward is when you are in a position in your life where you really want to ask for something for yourself (and because you need it), that you choose to not ask for yourself, but ask for others – He not only provides the way to give to others but you will receive yourself. A double whammy!

It’s hard to give to others when you have nothing. It’s in our human nature to think of ourselves and want to have our needs satisfied. But there is something to be said if you push past that ‘pain,’ and say “God, I trust you for me…….now about ______ (insert name of a person in need that you know).” What an amazing thing when God not only provides for the person you’ve prayed about, but He usually allows you to be in the center of that miracle and you receive a miracle of your own in the process!

If you can position your life in such a way that you look to constantly give, I promise you that you will never lack. I feel like I’ve stepped into a deeper relationship with God in this principle. I used to think it was just changing my perspective….finding someone who had it worse than me and just compared my situation with theirs to realize I didn’t have it so bad. Yes, that was the first step but then I had to activate something by seeking a way to GIVE. There is something that happens in the giving process itself that releases the miracle that God wants to do in your own heart!

Christmas time is always a time when it’s easier to give because of the spirit of the season. But what about 2014? What about when you are in the darkest season of your life and your own circumstance consumes you? All the Christmas sparkle is gone and you are sitting in the quiet darkness of your life situation? Give. Not sure who or how? God will show you that. Just say yes. Pray for the opportunity. Ask God to make you sensitive. And as soon as you know, obey. I find if I hesitate, I reason things away and the moment has passed. Obey quickly, and think about the results later. Just give. You may not see the results immediately, it may take years or you may never see – but something changes on the inside of you. You are becoming like Christ.

So for this Christmas my wish is……not for me, but for you. Instead of me listing all the ways I hope 2014 is better for me, I pray 2014 is a year of favor for you! That your families are healthy, happy, and that you find purpose in the life that Christ has for you. I pray if you are far from Him, he becomes real to you in 2014. I pray for financial blessing for you. I pray your faith is enlarged. I pray that He shows you the blessings He’s promised to you in your life. To see you blessed means I am blessed. And then you are able to continue to give on…..

I Still Believe

I’ve talked about trust on this blog before. Yesterday I was talking with my friend Crystal about trust. I was driving home from dropping her at the airport and I looked in the rearview mirror at my sleeping baby girl in the back seat. I thought to myself, look at how peacefully she sleeps. She has not a single worry that we are on a major highway with heavy traffic, rain pouring down and the dangers of getting into an accident. None of that worries her. She sleeps peacefully because she fully trusts that I am keeping her safe, even when the conditions might say otherwise. Simple, complete trust. She’s not sitting there wringing her hands looking at the pouring rain, the traffic…worrying if she’s going to make it home okay. She trusts that I will get her there safely, she closes her eyes and doesn’t even look at what’s around her. What a lesson she has demonstrated for me without having to “do” anything at all! She just is!

I made a decision a long time ago to place my life in God’s hands. Completely….I’m not going to look at statistics, I’m not going to look at odds, I’m not looking at the financial pressure and the medical bills, I’m not going to look at my disfigured body from surgery and my missing hair. I’m not going to look at all the reasons why I shouldn’t trust, I’m just going to do it. And not just with my life, but I’m going to trust who God says He is even when the situation might show otherwise.

I heard a song today by Kim Walker that talks about the power of the blood of Jesus and it’s called I Still Believe. As I listened to the lyrics, I realized that I have grown up singing that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever…..that His blood is powerful and can change lives instantly, heal instantly. Even while I’m walking THROUGH cancer diagnosis and treatment, I can’t change my beliefs about God now because the circumstances around me don’t look the same as they used to. The stakes are higher now. I’m driving down the freeway at a high rate of speed and the road is treacherous. But I’m closing my eyes. I’m saying God you are the SAME always, your truth is constant. Our emotions, thoughts, intellect, circumstances are not. It’s relative. God, you are outside the parameters of what can be measured or calculated. It’s in the release of that control of thought and letting go is where the freedom and peace of God is found.

Below are the lyrics and a video of the song I mentioned above. It’s very lengthy, but let it play and the words seep into your soul. I claimed my healing at the beginning of my diagnosis and I wrote it down. 

Your blood makes the deaf to hear right now 
Your blood takes away the curse right now 
Your blood heals every disease right now 
Your blood sets the addict free right now 

And I still believe you’re the same yesterday today, and forever 
And I still believe your blood is sufficient for me. 

Your blood mends the broken hearts right now 
Your blood compels me to forgive right now 
Your blood transforms my mind right now 
Your blood brings the dead to life right now 

And I still believe you’re the same yesterday today, and forever 
And I still believe your blood is sufficient for me 

You’re the higher power 
Darkness cannot stand 
No longer bound to sin, I am free 

And I still believe you’re the same yesterday today, and forever 
And I still believe your blood is sufficient for me(repeat x3) 

Defining Breast Cancer Awareness

So October is breast cancer awareness month, and for the first time in my life I am VERY aware of breast cancer and the effects it can have on a life.

So what does breast cancer awareness mean anyway? In the past, for me it was changing my profile picture to a pink ribbon, maybe think about running in a 5K to promote breast cancer research and awareness, and mostly sit back and read the stories from others who have lost a loved one or had one fighting this terrible ugliness.

Never thought it would be me. or my mom. or my aunt several years ago.

I think we are all VERY aware about breast cancer. The statistic is now 1 in 8 will be diagnosed or has been. Pretty much every person knows someone who has been touched or is fighting breast cancer. Many have lost the fight, and many are still fighting.

So awareness has taken on a whole new meaning for me. To me it should say “Breast Cancer Action Month.” Let’s not just be aware, but let’s DO.

• Get involved in the life of someone who has fought or is fighting breast cancer.
• Ask them their story.
• Show them how much you love them in a special way. Life has taken on a whole new meaning for them, so celebrate it with them.
• Breast cancer affects the entire family. Ask how the ones who have been affected are doing.
• If you have lost your loved one, honor their memory. Their life lives on through you. What would they be saying today?
• Pay something forward.

Let it be a month of giving love and a lot of it.

I want to use my blog this month to share the stories of ladies who have been affected or dealt with breast cancer. Open up this ‘awareness’ window to show you what cancer can do to a family. It’s not all bad. Breast cancer changes you. Makes you appreciate life. The struggle changes who you are.

(If you want to submit your story, please contact me at randyjenny (at) me.com for more info)

Trust After Pain & Loss

Today is 9/11. Today, 12 years ago, our nation was changed forever. This morning, I’ve had a lot of tears, for a lot of reasons.

First, I cry because of the enormous amount of lives lost on this day 12 years ago. Mothers, fathers, children, brothers, sisters, and friends. Senseless and tragic. I cry because I see the families that still are in pain after their loss, even 12 years later.

I cry because my dear friend lost her mother to suicide on this day. Watching her as she’s struggled through the different seasons of healing from that tragedy has been sobering.

I even cry for myself, and the fact that I realize life is precious and it’s not a sure thing. I cry because I never thought I would be fighting cancer at 34 years old. I cry because I realize that there is nothing I can do in my own ability to make myself better. I have to trust the doctors, the medicine, the toxic chemo I am pumping into my body to kill the cancer; I have to trust my God that He holds my life in His hands.

Trust is easy when you haven’t struggled. The trust of a child who is so innocent, who has never been hurt, comes easy. But when you’ve suffered a tragic loss, a sickness, when you’ve had something happen to you in your life that is totally unfair – trust is hard.

Trust hurts, it’s a sacrifice. It’s a decision sometimes that has to be made even when the feelings and emotions do not match. Sometimes when we pray, “God I trust you,” it’s difficult to make the words come out. Fear is real. Everywhere you look – our country is in a state of unrest, every day there is news that shows us that we are on the brink of wars, economic collapse, and more. Every day I send my children off to school praying they are safe, praying that God will protect them from any harm.

The pain in this life is real. No one prepares you for it. You begin as a child completely naive until something or someone hurts you – whether physically or emotionally, it happens and we realize – we lose trust. As a teen, we realize how much our peers can hurt us, and how people aren’t who they say they are. As adults, we realize that our world is not as bright as we maybe thought it might be and there is pain and destruction everywhere. We question everything. We lose our grandparents, our parents, and for some of us, our own children. Pain is real.

What does trust mean for you? I can only answer for me. These days, trust is a daily decision and sometimes hourly. Sometimes I have to speak the words, even though I may not fully believe them in the moment. When I sing about trusting God in the worship songs in church, I have to sing them from the very bottom of my heart and get the words into my spirit.

So today, I’m choosing to trust. God, I trust you with my children today. God, I trust you with my cancer today. God, I trust you right now at 9:53 am with how I’m going to feel for the next hour. I trust you with my finances and that you will provide when it’s outside my own ability to provide for myself.

How are you going to choose to trust?

I May Be Weak…..

I’m pretty sure that God is using this trial in my life to completely bulldoze the inner me, and make me over. In fact, I’m convinced of it. He is totally proving who He really is to me during this time. I finally got to the place where I surrendered my health to Him, I remember the night when it happened. It was shortly after I was diagnosed and didn’t have a real treatment plan, and the prognosis wasn’t good. Fear swept in and I literally was afraid for my life. See, I’m a control freak (if you didn’t know). Yes, I am (confession time). I literally have a death grip on certain areas of my life, with fingers wrapped tightly around “it” and just like a 2-year old shout, “MINE!” when you get to close to taking it away from me.

Over the years, God has given me what I like to call the ‘brick wall’ experience. It’s where I literally come crashing 100 mph into a brick wall face first and fall off my high horse. See that’s the only way I learn, and yes it’s very painful. But it gets my attention. And so, with each ‘brick wall’ experience, my fingers are literally pried open and whatever it was that I was clinging to falls out onto the ground and I find myself surrendering it. And in order for God to be God in the situation, I usually have to walk to the brink of the cliff where it looks like I will lose everything for Him to show me He can be trusted.

I’m not sure where in my past I began having trust issues. I think I have my idea, but that’s not the point. The point is I DO have trust issues in several areas, and one by one God is allowing me to go through situations in order for me to grow from them. Joyce Meyer said it great when she said, when we pray in the middle of a difficult situation God will do one of two things. He will either deliver us from it completely (which is what we always pray for) or He will take us through it. See, we can’t pray and say we trust God and then worry. It’s either one or the other. God has always had me ‘go through it,’ and I can totally see why. I need to grow.

A friend at church handed me a little pink bag this last Sunday and there was a sticker on the bag that said “Shattered Within.” Inside the bag was the most beautiful little pink necklace that sparkled and a brochure that explained about the necklace. The sparkly pink piece on the necklace was actually a marble. The lady that makes these says that she starts with a marble and bakes it in the oven at 500 degrees. Then once done baking, she drops the marbles into cold water. The inside of the marble will shatter. This is to be compared to our hearts, we become ‘shattered within.’ She says that over time she’s shattered hundreds of marbles, but not every one of them makes the cut. The ones she valued the most were the ones that were fractured throughout the whole marble. Some of them were unfazed by the heat of the oven, they came out just like they went in. She compared this to a hardened heart when it goes through trials. How she picked the marbles were by shining a bright light on them. The ones that reflected the most light were the ones that she picked. And so, we are to let the light of God shine through us to reach those around us.

What a beautiful gift I had received!

Just this morning, I was worrying yet again about something else that I needed God to take care of when He has proven probably 10 times over the last month, and yet I still hadn’t opened the death grip my hands had on it. And yet again, I ran into the brick wall (this is really beginning to hurt!). I have prayed more prayers asking for forgiveness for my lack of faith lately. When will I learn? I feel like God is being ever so patient with me and whispering the words to me, “It’s okay. I know you are hurt in this area. I know you need to learn to trust. I’m going to keep teaching you that I can indeed be trusted!” Thank you God for not giving up on me!!

The song that came to my mind today is called “Give Me Faith.” The words are my prayer and I thought I’d embed the song below in case you want to take a listen. Here are the words:

Verse 1
I need You to soften my heart,
To break me apart.
I need You to open my eyes,
To see that You’re shaping my life.

Pre-Chorus:
All I am,
I surrender.

Chorus:
Give me faith to trust what You say
That You’re good, and Your love is great.
I’m broken inside, I give You my life.

Verse 2:
I need You to soften my heart,
To break me apart.
I need You to pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me.

Bridge:

I may be weak, but
Your Spirit’s strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but
My God You never will. (repeat)

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You can read more about Shelley and her beautiful necklaces at www.shatteredwithin.com or visit her Facebook page at www.facebook.com/shatteredwithin