I May Be Weak…..

I’m pretty sure that God is using this trial in my life to completely bulldoze the inner me, and make me over. In fact, I’m convinced of it. He is totally proving who He really is to me during this time. I finally got to the place where I surrendered my health to Him, I remember the night when it happened. It was shortly after I was diagnosed and didn’t have a real treatment plan, and the prognosis wasn’t good. Fear swept in and I literally was afraid for my life. See, I’m a control freak (if you didn’t know). Yes, I am (confession time). I literally have a death grip on certain areas of my life, with fingers wrapped tightly around “it” and just like a 2-year old shout, “MINE!” when you get to close to taking it away from me.

Over the years, God has given me what I like to call the ‘brick wall’ experience. It’s where I literally come crashing 100 mph into a brick wall face first and fall off my high horse. See that’s the only way I learn, and yes it’s very painful. But it gets my attention. And so, with each ‘brick wall’ experience, my fingers are literally pried open and whatever it was that I was clinging to falls out onto the ground and I find myself surrendering it. And in order for God to be God in the situation, I usually have to walk to the brink of the cliff where it looks like I will lose everything for Him to show me He can be trusted.

I’m not sure where in my past I began having trust issues. I think I have my idea, but that’s not the point. The point is I DO have trust issues in several areas, and one by one God is allowing me to go through situations in order for me to grow from them. Joyce Meyer said it great when she said, when we pray in the middle of a difficult situation God will do one of two things. He will either deliver us from it completely (which is what we always pray for) or He will take us through it. See, we can’t pray and say we trust God and then worry. It’s either one or the other. God has always had me ‘go through it,’ and I can totally see why. I need to grow.

A friend at church handed me a little pink bag this last Sunday and there was a sticker on the bag that said “Shattered Within.” Inside the bag was the most beautiful little pink necklace that sparkled and a brochure that explained about the necklace. The sparkly pink piece on the necklace was actually a marble. The lady that makes these says that she starts with a marble and bakes it in the oven at 500 degrees. Then once done baking, she drops the marbles into cold water. The inside of the marble will shatter. This is to be compared to our hearts, we become ‘shattered within.’ She says that over time she’s shattered hundreds of marbles, but not every one of them makes the cut. The ones she valued the most were the ones that were fractured throughout the whole marble. Some of them were unfazed by the heat of the oven, they came out just like they went in. She compared this to a hardened heart when it goes through trials. How she picked the marbles were by shining a bright light on them. The ones that reflected the most light were the ones that she picked. And so, we are to let the light of God shine through us to reach those around us.

What a beautiful gift I had received!

Just this morning, I was worrying yet again about something else that I needed God to take care of when He has proven probably 10 times over the last month, and yet I still hadn’t opened the death grip my hands had on it. And yet again, I ran into the brick wall (this is really beginning to hurt!). I have prayed more prayers asking for forgiveness for my lack of faith lately. When will I learn? I feel like God is being ever so patient with me and whispering the words to me, “It’s okay. I know you are hurt in this area. I know you need to learn to trust. I’m going to keep teaching you that I can indeed be trusted!” Thank you God for not giving up on me!!

The song that came to my mind today is called “Give Me Faith.” The words are my prayer and I thought I’d embed the song below in case you want to take a listen. Here are the words:

Verse 1
I need You to soften my heart,
To break me apart.
I need You to open my eyes,
To see that You’re shaping my life.

Pre-Chorus:
All I am,
I surrender.

Chorus:
Give me faith to trust what You say
That You’re good, and Your love is great.
I’m broken inside, I give You my life.

Verse 2:
I need You to soften my heart,
To break me apart.
I need You to pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me.

Bridge:

I may be weak, but
Your Spirit’s strong in me.
My flesh may fail, but
My God You never will. (repeat)

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You can read more about Shelley and her beautiful necklaces at www.shatteredwithin.com or visit her Facebook page at www.facebook.com/shatteredwithin

What Do I Say or Do?

I had an interesting conversation last night with some friends. We were talking about how surprising it is when you’re going through a crisis or health issue the people you would expect to come close keep their distance, and those you don’t expect come close. We were talking about the reasons why people would do this. One friend said that she thinks that certain people keep their distance because they are afraid and do not know what to do or say. Another friend said that she experienced the same thing when her brother committed suicide and suddenly it clicked. I wouldn’t know what to say to someone who had lost someone to suicide, nor would I know what that person needed.

I guess it depends on what the person needs who is going through the situation. Some people would prefer people keep their distance and let them go through this without much bother, and others need people. I can only speak for myself and say, “I NEED PEOPLE!” I am an extrovert, so I draw my energy and strength by people being close to me….it’s how I recharge. I very quickly get depressed when I’m sitting in my house sick all week and life continues around me and I feel forgotten (I know I’m not forgotten, but it can feel that way quickly).

So you may be reading this and think, What do I say?  What can I do? So I thought I’d post the things that have meant the most to me during this time and maybe it can help you when you come in contact with people dealing with crisis in their life (a loss, illness, or other situation where they need support and care):

• Cards, emails, and letters. I cannot tell you the number of times I have had a really rough day, and have cried buckets and I will walk (or drive) to the mailbox and there be a card with the sweetest encouragement inside. It means the WORLD to me! I love that some people are even sending cards on a regular basis, it really means so much and I save all of them!
• Visits. I love when people come to visit for a few hours and just sit with me. I feel like I can think about someone else other than myself and I so enjoy the company! Sometimes you don’t even have to say anything, just sitting with someone is enough and brings comfort.
• Food. Chemo week is SO tough, and it’s hard for me not being able to cook and take care of my family, so when you bring a meal for my family (even though I may not be able to eat it or enjoy it as much as I’d like), it means so much to know that my family is getting a hot, homecooked meal!
• Help with house cleaning and grocery shopping. This is something I always feel guilty about not being able to get done and I can’t bring myself to ask for help, so when you call or text and say “what day can I come?” I so appreciate it! Grocery shopping wears me OUT and just having someone there to push the cart and get everything loaded and unloaded is huge! (Plus I enjoy the adult conversation)
• Girl’s Night Out. Distractions are the greatest! Whether it’s a game of bingo (for me!) or a dinner out somewhere or just going and doing something fun, distraction helps get your mind off what you’re going through and you have some laughter (which is the best medicine!)

If you know someone who is living with an illness, I think knowing their personality and love language is the first step. For some people, it may not be acts of service (like it is for me) but just talking and having a word of encouragement is all they need. Most people will not ask for help so saying, “Let me know if you need anything” is very sweet and kind but offering specific items and asking questions directly is the best. Don’t be afraid that you are bothering that person, they can say ‘no’ if nothing is needed.

Also, another key thing is remember when a person is first diagnosed, that’s when everyone flocks to them and it’s very noisy and there is a lot of attention. But that does die down, people go back to their lives and things get very quiet for that person. That’s the time to step up and check in and make sure they are still getting the level of care and help they need! With cancer, there is more than treatment. There is surgery and recovery, there is a whole emotional and mental side that needs attention and care (and prayer) as well. Then when everything is finished, it’s not ever done for that person. Then they have to find a new ‘normal,’ and it’s still a very hard time and they need lots of support.

I’m not blogging any of this because I’m lacking, because everyone has been so awesome and wonderful and I’ve had more than enough help! But maybe for those who just have NO idea what to do, or you know another person struggling, maybe this can help you reach out to them!

I love you all!

Stop the Merry-Go-Round

I just spent the better part of a week in bed. Treatment #3 knocked me flat on my butt. My husband took the week off of work and has been corralling the kids, cooking the meals, giving the baths and cleaning up the messes. That left me in bed with no ability but to watch TV, browse social media and try to distract myself since my body wouldn’t let me sleep the entire day.

The entire week all I could think of was that I had to get out of this bed. I was being worthless; I wasn’t accomplishing anything. I hadn’t cooked anything in a week, I hadn’t run a vacuum, I hadn’t washed a dish….I needed to get up and DO! Perusing the countless pins on Pinterest of the newest amazing meal that some Mom had created, the posts on Facebook of the women listing all they accomplished that day left me feeling rather depressed. My summer has flashed before my eyes, and I haven’t really accomplished one single thing that was on my pre-summer activity and to do list. Someone else had taken my kids school supply shopping, someone else had taken my kids to the pool for the summer, someone else had been tucking them in at night in bed. I was missing it!

I’ve been in this place before as far as realizing that I can’t be the perfect social-media wife and mother (which we all know this isn’t real at all), and released myself from the expectation that I had to be so…for about a week. Then somehow it all creeps back, the to do lists, the nagging tape recorder in my head that I need to use those weights that I bought to work out with, I need to organize that basement and get those things on consignment, I need to start planning fall and Christmas (yes already).

But this time is different.

Probably because I can’t. Even if I wanted to. And laying in bed fully engaged in my own personal pity party, I realized….who is making me feel this way? At first I could say, “TV! Pinterest! Facebook!” But no, it was ME. Somehow I had allowed myself to be entered into a contest where I would never win and the judges were never fair. How did I get here?

I think I had good intentions. We always do…we try to be better, faster, thinner, more efficient, better wives, better moms. We set ourselves up with these huge expectations and fail every time and spend way too much time beating ourselves up about it. But then we are gluttons for punishment and get pulled back in the very next comparing opportunity we have.

I don’t wish cancer on anyone. But I would wish the opportunity to experience what I am experiencing. Realizing that choosing rest over motion actually can be better. For it’s always in those quiet times that God speaks to me, not  while I am trying to chop some weird vegetable I’ve never heard of while feeding the cat and trying to schedule next week’s appointments.

I think life gives us all opportunities to learn this lesson, some are more eye-opening than others. It’s hard to not compare, not to try to be an version of myself that is superhuman. I think the human drive is a great thing, without it mankind wouldn’t have accomplished what he has. But there is a point when it becomes damaging.

Put the scale down, put the mirror down, put the computer or phone down and log off Facebook and Pinterest. Close the daytimer. Go to bed early. Sit on the front porch swing. At first it might be weird….for me I’m like…I’m sitting here doing nothing. This is weird, it doesn’t make sense. Keep doing it. You’ll figure it out soon enough.

Cancer stopped my merry-go-round. I am getting off. And when it starts back up, I think I’m just going to sit on the bench and watch (and probably enjoy nibbling on a high-calorie, high-fat snack while I do). 🙂