Miracles in the Air & Goodbye to my Hair

I’ve been a little quiet on here because this has been the week before it all begins. I’ve spent the time preparing by getting the house clean, grocery shopping done, getting all the errands done before this week begins. The last few days have been eventful though.

Randy and I prayed some pretty specific prayers over the last week. He had to miss a week of work when I had my tonsils out about a month ago, and just missed a week’s work when all this started happening. Well you can put two and two together that no work = no money. So we prayed a prayer, “God, we need groceries. Can you provide?” The very next day, the exact amount I needed was there. Another prayer Randy prayed was for God to provide for our bills so we could get ahead. And the next day, it was there. God used some special individuals to bless us with it, but the answer was dollar amount specific to our prayer, so that tells me He hears and answers! There is no doubt in my mind.

Another miracle was that I got to meet with someone a few days ago that God miraculously healed her from breast cancer. She was diagnosed and even had started her chemo treatment, and at the start of her 4th treatment when they ran the blood work before treatment they couldn’t believe it but her blood work was clean and normal. They took her into an exam room to check her breast and the doctor started saying, “Oh my God, oh my God….this is not right. This breast looks new….her breast would never look like this even after 6 treatments.” I had the pleasure of talking with this woman for over an hour about her story and my spirit was lifted. She and another friend of mine prayed with me. It was a defining moment in my faith and so needed.

Yesterday, I had a friend cut my hair short (REAL short) to prepare myself for what was to come. It was hard and later when I was washing it in the shower and reached up to grab the handful of my hair to rinse it, it wasn’t there and I lost it. I’m glad I did it though, it will give me a chance to get used to not having a lot of hair and my kids to get used to it as well.

I know this week is going to be challenging and I’m taking it a day at a time. Prayers appreciated.

Tomorrow – Monday 6/17 I have an echocardiogram and a CAT scan. I’m also meeting with the chemo nurses to go over my chemo treatments.

Tuesday – 6/18 I’m having a meeting with the nurse navigator and then heading to the surgery center to have my cath port put in. I will go under anesthesia during the procedure.

Thursday – 6/20 I have a follow up appointment with the doctor to go over my echo and CAT scan.

Never Once

My sister in law sent me a song a few days ago, and she probably has no idea how much I needed it. Here are the lyrics:

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Literally after the day I found this out, I said to Randy that I had to stop for a second and review my life. If I sat here and shared with you my story from beginning to end, I should not be here. With every situation in my life and marriage, God course corrected me onto the right path every time I should have veered off into a ravine. Times I took the wrong turns intentionally, and other times it was just life. At any rate, He cared enough about me to set me on the right way and blessed me beyond measure. Looking at the way God has directed my life, there is no doubt He’s at work now.

I know this is going to be a journey. I’m still in a waiting period, not sure what next week even is going to hold. This is a time when I could be gripped by fear, fearing the worst. But instead, I choose to focus on the faithfulness of God. He’s never left me, and this is His story, not mine. I feel like all eyes are on me now, and my deepest prayer is that God can use my story to help someone else. Every nurse I come in contact with, every hurting person who may have cancer who has lost all hope, the team of surgeons working on me….I pray they see how amazing my God is and they won’t be able to deny it.

On a personal note, I can’t say enough how much everyone’s support and prayers mean to me. The Facebook banners that say “Team Jenny,” to the pink ribbons, to the random text message I get in the middle of the day letting me know you’re thinking of me, to the gifts I’ve received to encourage me. I feel the strength of your prayers and I feel the faith of my friends.

Specific Prayers Needed:
Thursday is my appointment at the Helen Graham Cancer center. There I will meet with a team who will discuss my case and treatment options. First and foremost, I’m praying for a divine healing in my body. I’m speaking God’s word daily aloud and if you will join me, I’d be happy to send you a list of scriptures I’m using so you can pray them too. Secondly, please pray for the team that will be assigned to me, that they will have wisdom to make the best choices for my care. Thirdly, pray for wisdom for Randy and I as we are given options and that we will choose the best ones for our situation.

The Waiting Game

I had my biopsy this past Wednesday. Before the procedure, I had taken a Valium to calm myself. When I arrived at the appointment, they took me back and numbed me up pretty good before they biopsied the first lump. Then I heard the core needle go in and what sounded like a staple gun as it took a tissue sample. Then they wanted to biopsy the second lump. They numbed me and put the biopsy needle in and I liked to come off the table. They hadn’t numbed me enough. So they tried again and got a sample from that lump. Then I was told there was a third mass (I didn’t realize that). She was also concerned about a swollen lymph node so she needle aspirated that. Everything is going off to pathology and I will hear the results Monday.

Now that the messy details are out of the way, I’m not going to post the things the doctor said she’s worried about. I’ve made quite a big decision this past week. I’m not going to say “what could be.” ‘What could be’ could be anything, and your mind can take you to the furthest reaches of terrible and back again. I’m living in the moment.

How have things changed for me? I’m trying very hard to keep a normal schedule and routine. The boys are getting out of school this week so they’ve been bouncing off the wall. Picnics, game days, teacher gifts….lots to focus on and not much time to sit around and feel sorry for myself. I will say that some things have changed drastically for me in my perspective. 2 weeks ago, I’m worried about bills, my dirty windows, the laundry, how bad my hair needs colored, and if we can get the deck painted. This week my thoughts have been about where I can find wigs and rags to cover my bald head if I have to have chemo, will they get it all out, look how fast my daughter is growing, wow Dean’s eyes are such a neat shade of brown, those flowers are beautiful, and thank you God for another day.

I said to my friend just a few days ago, it’s like I put a pair of glasses on and now I see the world completely different. It’s hard to explain really, but some of you reading this will know what I mean.

Monday’s results will tell a lot. What kind of cancer is there, what stage it’s at, if there is cancer in my lymph nodes and what the next step is for me. Of course I’m praying for a miracle to happen and the pathology report come back that it’s not cancer at all. I truly believe God can perform miracles at any stage of this journey, but I just want to say that I have prayed for that and also prayed that if God is going to fully take me through this journey, that I can have the strength to go through it.

And strength He has given me.

I’ll probably be quiet this weekend. The waiting game until Monday, so I’m going to enjoy my weekend with my family, with my church family on Sunday and trust God with Monday. I’m only given the day I’m presently in, and that is a gift and all that I am entrusted with. God’s word says to take no thought for tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. My friend told me that fear is just a way for our minds to think of the worst possible outcome and to prepare ourselves somehow for it, which in my opinion is a way to try to control it. Anytime we try to control, we aren’t letting God do what He does best. So I’m surrendering.

Can I Be Honest With You?

This story starts of course with the lump I found about a month ago. (For a full story of the medical side of things you can visit my Caring Bridge site www.caringbridge.org/visit/jennymiller15). I thought it was a milk duct issue, but was sent over to the hospital for an ultrasound and mammogram. Of course the fear started creeping in as I laid on the table during the ultrasound and heard the whispers….and some of the questions directed at me caused me to wonder. My fear even creeped up a little more as they said, “we need to do a mammogram now.”

But then there’s that moment. Anyone that has received shocking news knows that defining moment, when the air is sucked out of you and you have this tunnel vision around the person who is telling you the news.

That moment for me was when the radiologist sat there across from me and said “Can I Be Honest With You?” With those words, I knew. The look in her eye, and the way I felt at that moment where I just wanted to yell, “No you can’t!” and run from the room. Then the words that follow, “We’re pretty sure it’s cancer.”

I can’t even put into words at that moment what enters your mind. A numbness covers my body. I hear myself talking but I feel like I’m not really there. I say, “I’m only 34. I have a baby and two other kids. How can this be happening?” From that day, it’s been a whirlwind of emotion. The only way I can compare it to is that of the stages of grief – first shock/denial, anger, sadness/depression, bargaining and they all seem to repeat at different times.

Next came the MRI and biopsy where I found out it’s not one lump, but two, then oops….there’s another one….and yep, they all appear cancerous. “We’re going to definitely do a double mastectomy,” “we are concerned about cancer in the rest of the body,” “chemo and radiation are a possibility,” are all statements being thrown at me.

Today, I stand at 6 days from that initial statement of “Can I Be Honest With You,” and I seem to have regained my footing a bit. This has driven me straight to my knees and my face lifted up to God in desperation. Last night, I prayed for God to give me a word from Him, because I so desperately needed it. This morning I woke up and the words “terror by day,” just lit up in my mind. I knew they were from Psalm 91 so I looked up the entire chapter (the message version is my favorite). I posted it at the end of this post if you’d like to read it. This passage is going to be mine through this journey. I truly believe God is going to use this story to help others. That’s why I’m creating this blog.

Just a warning though, it may get messy. It may get raw. I’m not going to hold anything back here. This is my story, this is my diagnosis, and this is my way to cope and deal with it. If you are brave enough, I hope you’ll join me on the journey, but if not, no hard feelings either. So here we go….

You who sit down in the High God’s presence, spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow,
Say this: ” God, you’re my refuge. I trust in you and I’m safe!”
That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps, shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you’re perfectly safe; his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night, not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness, not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around, drop like flies right and left, no harm will even graze you.
You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance, watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God ‘s your refuge, the High God your very own home,
Evil can’t get close to you, harm can’t get through the door.
He ordered his angels to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they’ll catch you; their job is to keep you from falling.
You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes, and kick young lions and serpents from the path.
“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times; I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!”